Alone with violence – when both perpetrator and society silence the victim
The women subjected to violence in the study said the loneliness they experienced when the violence was silenced by professionals was worse than when it was silenced by the perpetrator. Photo: Getty Images
Women subjected to domestic violence and abuse are often isolated. Their loneliness results not just from the manipulation and violence of the perpetrator, but also from the lack of response from the outside world when victims choose to seek help but are not listened to. This conclusion emerges in a study from the National Centre for Knowledge on Men’s Violence Against Women, Uppsala University, and the University of Gävle.
The recently published article is based on in-depth interviews with 20 women victims of violence. A central theme in all the women’s stories was that they experienced feelings of loneliness. This could involve being isolated from their friends and family, or prevented from working and limited financially, which in turn made it more difficult for them to participate in social contexts.
“A pattern that kept recurring was that they experienced limitations of their temporal and spatial autonomy and felt constantly hounded. The perpetrator kept a constant check on them and monitored how long it took them to do their shopping, pick up their children from preschool or run other errands. And that leaves no time for chatting with anyone or even thinking your own thoughts,” says Sara Skoog Waller, researcher in gender-related violence and health at the National Centre for Knowledge on Men’s Violence Against Women, Uppsala University, and senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Gävle.
The women’s stories show how they are made lonely in various ways – a process that researchers describe with the term ‘lonelification’. The interviews reveal how perpetrators isolate the victim not only socially, but also psychologically through gaslighting. In this way, the perpetrator distorts reality, and often also the perspective of the outside world, shifts responsibility to the victim and makes her alone in the experience of violence.
“The perpetrator may have told the victim that her reactions to the violence – fear, despair, resistance – were the very reason why he victimised her,” says Skoog Waller.
More knowledge about violence and the different forms it can take is needed in all people-facing professions, according to Sara Skoog Waller. Photo: Alexander Lindström
Poor response reinforced feelings of loneliness
Perpetrators sometimes use ‘crazy-making’ to point to the victim’s normal reactions to the violence as evidence that she is sick or defective. This was sometimes also reflected in meetings with health services, where the focus on symptoms and diagnoses could get in the way of the victim’s ability to put her experience of violence into words.
“The problem wasn’t that the women didn’t tell health professionals, many of them did. It was more a matter of their stories being silenced in encounters with professionals who responded to them with silence, scepticism and blame.”
The study shows how dangerous the inadequate response from professionals can be, as it leaves women alone, both with their experiences and with the actual violence. One woman describes the lack of understanding she encountered when she sought help from the municipality.
“It was so unreal. I was sitting there telling them about the violence and they wanted me to try to take his perspective and put the responsibility on me. Like it was just any relational problem.”
Institutionalised gaslighting
The story is an example of the type of institutionalised gaslighting the women often faced. Having your story distorted, or being told it wasn’t that bad, led to even stronger feelings of isolation.
“The women said the loneliness they experienced when the violence was silenced and normalised by professionals was far worse than when it was silenced by the perpetrator. There are opportunities here for concrete changes that could make a big difference,” says Skoog Waller.
She believes that knowledge about violence and the different forms it can take is needed in all people-facing professions, such as health services, schools and preschools, social services and the judicial system.
“There is also a need for living routines and awareness of what is important when dealing with a person who may be a victim of violence. There is a tendency to look away and interpret violence as an expression of something else – for example, we need to be able to distinguish between what is violence and what is a conflict or a relationship problem. In that way, knowledge alone may not be enough. Work is also needed on attitudes to violence, and not least attitudes towards women who report violence.”
Sandra Gunnarsson
Publication
Skoog Waller, S., & Forinder, U. (2025). Speaking Through Silence: The Lonelification at the Core of Domestic Abuse. Violence Against Women